multiply sclerosed

{May 15, 2012}   My thoughts for the morning….

I am the oddest type of person. I am so good at putting on the happy face and being an obnoxious Pollyanna type who sees the good in everything. But damn it if underneath my sugary candy coating if there isn’t the most fatalistic and “screw it all who cares anyway” grumpypants . I start back to work today, yippee?  Maybe…. I miss my friends, I miss the job. I can literally say I have spent half of my life in an x-ray department. I do love what I do. Here is the thing. my body is going to fail me. And no I am not having a panick attack anymore. No I am no scared of it anymore.  I know I have to test the limits of what my MS will let me do. I also know there is only one way to  find out. So I am going back. With hands that I can hardly feel, with a left arm that is a ticking time bomb….I never know when its going to disappear. I will be exhausted, I will be in pain. By the end of the night I will be in tears. But I will go with a smile and kind word of thanks for everyone who has sent up prayers and good thoughts for me. I will be upbeat, the cheerleader that is expected of me. But realize, when you ask how I am and I say I am great I feel fine…people, I am lying.


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