multiply sclerosed

{May 26, 2012}   An Angry Rant (not for kids or sensitive readers) written 5/25/12

Denial, anger, bargaining ,depression and acceptance. Those are the “stages of grief” that we experience when there is some sort of loss. Any type of loss. I am grieving. I am grieving the loss of my former self. The pain-free, hard-working, energetic, well spoken, stable person I used to be. Now, as for how long that girl has been gone in some degree or another is for another post. Right now I’m talking about my grief.
So let’s do this systematically.One stage at a time. Let’s dispose of two right from the start: denial and bargaining….I have Multiple Sclerosis and I am not getting out of it. Fine ok whatever.

Depression is something that I have always dealt with in some degree I will deal with that also in another post. See, depression and unstable mood are symptoms of MS. So I am still sorting out where it belongs in head. 

So that leaves anger and acceptance. I am eyebrows deep in anger today. I just want to slam something. Is this the best we can do? Am I as good as I am going get? Don’t we as MS patients deserve the awareness, the limelight, if you will, of any other disease that is “incurable” . People need to understand what MS is, how it makes you feel. How, just because I look fine on the outside, doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like shit on the inside. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want special treatment. I want someone to get it! I want someone to say ” I can’t possible know what you are going through, but I am with you”. I am not talking about my family and close friends, they have been angels to me. It’s the people who I talk to randomly who have no clue. It’s not their fault, but I get frustrated.

 The things that set me off today may seem so stupid. I was freezing this afternoon and I wanted to take a hot shower and I couldn’t. So I get in the shower, freeze my ass off and step out of the shower in a seriously foul mood. It was time for my copaxone injection and I didn’t want to do it. I did, grudgingly, and took my vitamin d. On the way to work, the traffic was nuts so I was  stringing together obscenities that would rival Ralphie’s Dad. I was late so I got to hear my 3pm alarm go off and I screamed at my phone. I got to work, got my medicine out of my locker but couldn’t open it. I had to ask for help from a friend. And that was when I decided it was time to shelve the anger or I was going to unload on some poor bystander. So what’s my problem? I hurt. I am typing this with MS fingers…I can’t feel them. My head is tingling, like creepie crawlies up my scalp. My brain is PUDDING! I couldn’t do simple math this afternoon and was nearly in tears. I can’t sleep and when I do, I have nightmares. I am over it! I don’t want this, but it’s not going anywhere…ever. So yeah, I am pretty pissed off right now.

Acceptance…well as a wise woman once said “acceptance is a mother f—-er”. Not there yet


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