multiply sclerosed

{August 2, 2012}   What sound does a deflated MS patient make?

Mostly it sounds like whining, bitching, and whimpering.  That’s the long and short of what has been happening with me. The air has been let out of my acceptance balloon and I have swirled down into a deeply funky depression.  People, I hate feeling like this.  I feel flat, I feel despair, I feel pain…
lots of pain.

All the things we don’t talk about are just welling up and ready to overflow. But seriously, do you want to hear about constipation or spastic bladders. Probably not. Or my left leg that drags and my left foot which sorta gets stuck causing me to stumble. Oh or how about the lack of brain to mouth communtication, tripping all over my tounge and being completely unable to come up with words to finish a sentence I started. Try to get out of that gracefully. And the headaches, they are relentless. Havent been headache free in two and a half weeks. So back to “Q” I go.

I have taken steps towards making things simpler. I got my disabled parking placard and have been eyeing a cane and considering the benefits. So this means I have basically gotten my head around my disability and instead of relief I feel intensely sad.

So what to do what to do? I truthfully think a good cry would do the trick, dispense of my funk. But somehow I can’t seem to get the tears to come. I wish they would. Am I numb to this already? I guess maybe I am or perhaps I feel so dejected that I am apathetic and just don’t care. Acceptance is supposed to be a release almost joyful thing, right? Its not, at least its not right at this moment.

I have lost my smile and am getting tired of trudging on like a good soldier and keeping up apperance. I am tired and painful and my bowels don’t move and my bladder moves to much. I don’t walk straight and I don’t speak well. I am disabled. Ok there I said it. Fine. When will I be able to make peace with it?


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