multiply sclerosed











{August 13, 2012}   Six Months

Well well well, here I am six months post Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis. Six months ago I was so sick that I could hardly walk, I couldn’t feel anything aside from buzzing, zapping and pain. Six months ago I was changed forever. In these past six months I have started an intensive course of medications, had physical therapy and have accepted that I am not who I was. But that is not all together bad, in fact I think I am a better version of myself.  I am now a blogger, an MS advocate, a member of the UCrew ms walk team, I am a mom and a wife with an incurable disease and the disabilities that go with it. I am an x-ray tech, a football fan, a geek and a gamer. I am still me. With limitations that I must abide by, I still can do the things I love. You see MS does not define who I am. It’s an integral part of my life, but it’s not centric. Yes as I  write this I am truly in terrible pain and my entire body is numb but it will at some point pass and I will have a nice respite from it all. But the truth is I have to keep going, I have to be mentally tough. I cannot concede myself to Multiple Sclerosis. I must control my destiny for as long as I possibly can. But I also must let myself grieve and cry and be pissed at the whole thing. Its natural and normal and it helps. I started this blog to help express my feelings and organize my thoughts, it has helped me cope and accept and find peace. There are days that I just don’t know how I can possibly go on. There are many days that I am sure that I can’t. Those are the days that I have to force myself out of bed and down the stairs and out the door. I have to convince myself several times a week not to try to get someone to work for me. I have to do this. This is my life, my family depends on me, I depend on me. If and most likely when the time comes that I am no longer able to function on the level that I do, I don’t want to ever think that I didn’t give it my all. It may not seem that I am doing much, this is where accepting my limitations come in. My mornings I get the girls up for school do their hair and make breakfast. I spend the rest of the day resting so that I can go to work that evening. On my days off I will run some errands if my body is up to it. This past weekend I made dinner for the fam and g-parernts, and it took everything out of me. But I loved it. I had the energy to do it, so I did. Sadly those meals have become far and in between. To me preparing a meal for the family is the best gift I can give of myself, I love to cook, I love to gather people together. I cook with love. I just can’t do it as much as I used to.  But I know that when I can I will and it will be fantastic, a sentiment, I think holds true for all things.

So if I say come over I am cooking, get in the car and come eat…who knows when the next time will be 😉

***this post was started several days ago, when I was having a tough bout with back pain as well as numbness and tingling from top to toes. I have since started to feel better, my energy is good and the pain, while present, its tolerable.***

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